“I love you to the farthest galaxy, until the earth dissolves into nothing, and to the center of all infinite things.”
“I love you.” We say it too much, we don’t say it enough, we say it to the wrong people and not those whom we should. Love is a strong word, we all know that, as much or as little as we use it, it never loses its depth. I’m sure we can all recall the first time we said “I love you” to someone, I know I can. For a long time, I regretted giving my first “I love you” to the person that I did. I was very young and didn’t quite understand the deep hole I was digging myself into when taking that unhealthy relationship to the next level.
I was 16 years old when I said that whole opening sentence. I can still taste the words on my tongue, like the residue of old, bitter coffee. I do find comfort in knowing that I am not the first crazy, dramatic sixteen-year-old girl in existence, it makes me feel a bit less embarrassed. So, I plunged myself into this relationship that was no good, which I will discuss more into depth in another article. After it all ended, I was left feeling like I had given all I could ever give to someone, as if I had given all of my love away and there was no way of getting it back. But, there was one little detail that I hadn’t realized yet…
I was not in love. I was infatuated. There is a big difference between the two and I feel like people get them mistaken all the time. I am not going to say that young people are not capable of feeling true love, that is not the message that I am trying to convey, as I do know that everyone matures at different rates. But, I am certain, at least now, that I was not in love, as many fancy words I added to my phrases, what I felt was not love. I was naïve, I wanted a relationship and tricked myself into thinking that this was everything I could have ever asked for, everything I wanted. Sure, I thought the guy was cool, his taste in music was nice, and he said cute things every once in a while, but there was something I did that made my infatuation obvious. I am gravitated towards people that are broken, it makes me feel better to see that someone needs help more than I do, and even better when I get to be the person that administers the help. I wanted to fix this person, I wanted to give him the love that I thought he needed. Now, here is the tricky part: love is not giving someone everything they ask for, love is not taking the jabs of someone’s words and actions- day after day- feeling terrible about yourself so that he (or she) can feel better, love is not losing your own personal morals for the desires of another, love is not constantly degrading yourself for his (or her) up-lifting, love doesn’t anger easily, love isn’t distrustful or dishonest. Love is not pain, which is all I ever felt and did during this time. What love actually is: Love is patient and kind, love is giving someone what they need, what will make them a better person, love is honest and true, love is mutual up-lifting, seeing each-others’ flaws and helping one another to work on them, supporting one another through all things, all trials, love never gets in the way of respecting and loving yourself. Love is happiness.
We need to stop teaching our kids that love is supposed to be painful. Yes, being in a relationship isn’t easy, it’s work, you have your disagreements, but, that doesn’t mean that you disrespect or degrade one another in any way, no matter how frustrated either of you might feel. Love is a two-way street. Leave if you are the only one that is willing to put in your part, you are not helping that person if you are teaching them that it is ok to treat people in such an unfair way, you are not being loving toward yourself or toward that person. Don’t mistake passion for love.
Now, odds are that you read this article a little bit too late. Realizing that maybe it wasn’t love what you were feeling, doesn’t make it any less painful, and at the moment, it might even make you feel worse. For a long time, I didn’t want to realize it myself. I had invested so much of myself into this relationship, I didn’t want to think that it was all for someone that I didn’t even truly love. But, I found comfort in knowing that I still had time, we all still have time, it is never too late to learn to love and to find someone to give it too. I had this experience, I learned from it, and I moved on. I knew now what NOT to do, I knew now what love WASN’T, and that made me just a little bit closer to finding the real thing. Now, with all this newly found knowledge, you might be feeling a bit regretful, you thought you loved this person, you told them you loved them, and now you feel terrible. This is also not the message I am trying to convey or the feeling I am trying to evoke. You can’t change the past, take control of the present and of your future, dwelling on the past and feeling bad about it, isn’t going to change anything. And, at the end of the day, someone thought that you loved them, maybe it wasn’t the best relationship, but, trying to give love isn’t something you should feel guilty about, especially now that it’s over, (hopefully it is if it was an unhealthy relationship) you both have the time and space to work off from that, to learn from the experience, to work on yourselves, and to work on the way that you show and receive love.
#love #heart #poetry #poems #passion